I am starving myself again, relishing in the hunger, letting it soothe me until all the stresses of work and thoughts of my impending back-to-school date float away.

It started innocently enough. I re-read Wasted, toying with the idea of letting myself get truly hungry again. The next day I dropped my intake down, let myself get hungry before each meal. It was instant gratification, I was flying. The quick trip down the scale is what keeps me going.

I did not count on the voice creeping back in so quickly. I will step out of the shower, drying my body and admire my the shadow of my appearing ribs and hipbones and the voice chimes in Don't Stop. I am alarmed for a moment but brush it off, maybe too quickly, but in the back of my mind of the the eating disorder is pushing its way back in.

All I want is some order back in my life. Is that so much to ask, to have order where there was chaos?

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