I got D's in all of my classes but one, which I got a B in. My GPA is not what it is supposed to be, and I am still on academic probation again, which means I will have to talk to the Dean and beg him to let me stay in school. This is so not good. I am dreading talking to my parents about this, seeing the anger and disappointment in their eyes. It's as if I can see their thoughts forming in their heads already, "This is what I'm putting all my money towards?"

I want to go get fucked up now more than ever. Over the past week I've been dreaming about crack. Thoughts of getting high, taking blasters creap into my mind in the late night as I am drifting off to sleep. I try to chase them away so I dream dream of such things. I know I cannot do it real life, I haven't the resources, money, and don't want to hurt those around me once again.

But its times like these when that kind of self-destruction seems so very elusive. I just want to hurt myself in some way and this seems to be the most fun. I am toying with the idea of cutting myself, putting a blade to my skin and letting the blood pour forth, but the pesky scar holds me back; the sign for all to see that I lost control. It does sound very alluring, though.

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