Finals are just around the corner and now is the time when I should be buckling down and getting my shit together, putting everything in order and making sure I pass all my classes. Instead it is so much easier, so much nicer to just stay in bed cuddled up next to my boyfriend and sleep the day away, hoping that maybe I can be somewhat productive later and my professor will buy my excuse about cramps and let me take the test I missed while sleeping, along with the other one I missed weeks ago. I just feel like now is the deciding point, like will I sink or will I swim, and part of me has just given up. I'm back to making a million excuses for myself; oh, if I don't pass math I can just take it again next semester and put off taking the next level and the science I still need, who cares if that would be my last course I'm allowed to retake?

Other than that, things are really great with my boyfriend and I'm the happiest I've ever been with a man. We really understand each other and just really click on another level. My feelings are so strong for him and there are many times when I find myself wanting to tell him that I love him, but I refrain from doing so because I'm not sure if he would say it back yet and I don't want to mess up things like I did in my last relationship from saying the L Word too soon. We both have told each other that we have "very strong feelings" for one another that could one day turn into love but I want to be absolutely positive that's what I'm feeling before I express it. How do you know what love is anyway? I'm not even really sure I've ever felt it for real, at least not in a healthy way. I've felt obsession and co-dependence but that's not at all the same. I guess I just have to be patient and let things progress on their own.

I am a little worried for the summer to come. I don't want to start the factory job I am bound to get because I know it is going to suck and I'll be worn out most days, but mostly I know I am going to miss my boyfriend like crazy. It's still up in the air where he's going to stay this summer; whether in this town or back in his hometown. If he stays here I'll be able to see him more often but if he's back at home I'll hardly see him at all. I'm also afraid for my step-dad to meet him because he's black and my step-dad is not exactly open-minded. I just hope he can behave himself when he comes to visit and there won't be any problems. I know my mom likes him so that's a plus, I just really don't want my man uncomfortable in my home.

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