I took a long walk today, pondering my life. I am not happy. What can I do to make my situation better, to bring some joy into my life? I just keep waiting for my meds to kick in, to make things a little more bearable, but so far things are still pretty desolate and grim.

I'm ready to throw my hands up and give in.

I haven't been eating. I got a cold and an ear infection and just wasn't hungry, so I wouldn't eat until the middle of the day, ignoring the fact that I was tired and weak. I lost about four pounds in a week as a result, and was very pleased by this. Now I am trying to keep the weight off so I'm continuing to not eat in order to do so. I don't care if it throws me back into my eating disorder; I like being skinny, I hated having those extra pounds on me. I was a thicker version of myself that was very hard to accept.

I've come to realize that I have a lot of trust issues with men. I always feel like if they are hitting on me, they don't want to get to know me, they only want to get into my pants. So I'm very wary to get to know any guys and befriend any of them or hang out w/ them ever because I want to protect myself.

To top it all off, I'm falling for my best girl friend. We've done stuff so I know she likes me, but I don't think she wants any kind of relationship, just to fool around. To be honest, I probably shouldn't pursue a relationship right now either. I'm pretty unstable. I'm just craving human conact and affection from someone that I can trust. Right now that's her.

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