I can't wait until school is over with. There's only like 12 days left but even that seems like too many to get through. I have so many tardies and unexcused absences from not getting my ass out of bed and into school it's not even funny. I've just been working too many hours/not getting enough sleep and it's starting to take a toll. Today I tried to sleep in and decided I wasn't going to school but my mom actually came home from work and dragged my ass out of bed to ensure I made it into school. Kinda pissed me off but it was good in the end b/c I have homework I really did need to turn in.

It looks as though my dealer is going to be moving. His main dealer got busted the other day and he is afraid that the cops are watching him. The person who probably narced out his friend is my ex-best friend who I used to smoke a lot of crack with. She is now very pregnant and, from what I've heard, still smoking crack. She got busted a while back for selling to an undercover, and was looking at some serious jailtime, so I think she's narcing to try to lessen her time. Makes me sad, really. But anyway, she's been calling my dealer and I've been warning him to stay away from her, and he has for the most part, but he's still rightly paranoid and needs to get away. He's moving somewhere kinda far and he's going to stop everything for a while, so I'm pretty much going to stop seeing him, a fact he realized all on his own (which pained him quite a bit, and I couldn't really deny, either). It's a safety thing, I think, to not let myself get that involved and say it's just for the drugs that I'm around him, because for the most part it is, but I do find myself thinking about him and how nice he treats me. But I can't let myself get caught up because I need to keep that distance in order to be able to detach myself when he leaves so I can focus on working and saving money for college (and staying clean while doing that ideally).

My weight dropped pretty drastically and I was having mixed feelings. For the most part I was elated about it because I love my skinny, chiseled, boney body, but another part of me knew that once I started eating I would just gain it back. And I was right. Yesterday I got high before work and I munched out, and lo and behold, I am up two pounds. Not quite back to where I was before the crack, but damn close. Pretty frustrating actually, because logically I know I'm not fat, but since there is fat there that wasn't before, I feel fat. If that makes any sense at all.

Actually I don't know if this entry makes a whole lot of sense; it may seem kinda jumbled. I'm on Vicodin right now. Split second decision I made at lunch to get some from a friend and I must admit it was a good one. I've always been partial to pills.

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