I found yet another rock hookup and he is in love with me, which means free rock. I've gotten myself into pretty much the same situation as when I was dating a dealer back in the summertime, except this guy wants to be my sugar daddy and buy me things, take me out to eat, put a stereo in my car, fix my car up, etc. instead of just take my money and mooch off of me and supply me with drugs like the other guy did.

I don't know how I feel about this situation. I mean, the addicted part is screaming hallelujahs and rejoicing and all that, but the cautious part that wants to make something of myself and actually go to college is hesitant to get that involved.

Nonetheless, I've been smoking a lot more rock recently. I spent the past weekend with him and it was just nuts, I swear to god I thought my body was going to give out I had so much. I remember trying to come down afterwards lying in bed with him and my heart was just racing, it wouldn't quit, my stomach felt sunken in on itself and literally concave, my hipbones had emerged (along with a lot of my other bones since I hadn't eaten in a few days) and I thought, I'm never going to come down, I'm going to be high forever... this sucks. I was so tired because I hadn't slept in more than a day and all I wanted in the whole world was some sleep because I had to work the next day.

This is my life as of lately. Never catching up on sleep, falling asleep in class, losing weight (but not caring when it happens because it's not my doing, it's the drugs), gaining it back when I eat (then freaking out and wanting to smoke more to lose it again... dumb I know). I feel like I'm just barely holding it together and I'm wondering -- when is it all going to fall apart?

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