I need to get off drugs again. I'm doing things to keep doing them that I can't even bring myself to write about in here. That's when I know things have gotten bad -- this is my sanctuary; I'm supposed to be able to come here and pour out my heart and soul, but I find that there is a wall between my thoughts and my fingers... Something won't let me write it. I think it is pride. I know what I'm doing is bad and sick and degrading, but I continue to do it anyway because I'm getting it for free this way and the pull of the drug is too hard to say no and I don't respect myself enough to say no.

Even though my life is falling apart, I still seem to keep it together, somehow. I am doing better in school. I am currently working on extra credit for Psychology, which I am almost finished with. I am putting some effort into my other classes, though I do admit I look forward to sleeping in the majority of my classes because I'm either working until close or up all night because I'm wired (and I think we all know why). My mom and I are working out stuff for loans and its finally starting to sink in that I really am going to college. I move into the dorms in late August. It's kind of a scary thought and I'm wondering if I can really make it. It's a lot of money to fork out if I'm just going to flounder and fail. I really want to prove to everyone that I'm not just a nobody, that I can do something with my life. College is the place to do that, I guess.

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