I'm probably not going to kill myself. At least not right now. I'm leaving the option open, but for right now I'm going to keep on going and pushing through.

I talked to my guidance counselor and it turns out that since I took two English classes last year, even if I fail all the classes I'm worried about, I'll still be fine because I only need like a 1/4 of a credit to graduate. So I will indeed graduate because there's like 2 classes I'm doing alright in.

That being said, I'm still not sure if I really want to keep working to pass all my stuff. I have been making a half-hearted attempt at getting my 10 pg. paper done- I have like a page and a half done and it's due Thursday. I know that if I don't pass, my acceptance to college will be recinded, and then I won't have to worry about whether I will sink or swim in the real world. I guess I'm just scared right now. Like if I can't even write a 10 and 20 pg. paper in high school, how the fuck am I going to manange college? I'm really afraid of going and flunking out and then wasting my time and tons of money and being totally in debt, not to mention looking like a total failure to everyone I know when I come crawling back.

So what have I been doing instead of working on homework lately? I'm sure you can guess... Smoking crack. I knew from that time when it was good, when usually I don't like the high. That's all it takes to get me hooked again, for me to like the high and then the rocks got me by the socks again. It doesn't help that I found a new dealer in my town, someone my own age that I'm friends with who will smoke with me if I give him a ride to pick up. I know I'm just digging myself deeper but the pull is just too great right now. Its really hard to find the strength to say no with all this other crap going on in my life, it's like the ultimate stress reliever. But I'm going to try really hard to not do it at least until my paper is done, and then we'll see from there. I don't want to become a big crackhead again, I was doing so good before. I just gotta keep telling myself that. I can already see my circle of friends reducing again after only like a week or so of doing it regularly-ish again and that sucks majorly.

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