I had my first therapy session in a long time. I was required to go, it's policy because I am going back to a psychiatrist to get back on Topamax for my b/ping. They want you to go to therapy for at least an evaluation.

At my session, we decided that I'm not ready to be back in therapy. I'm just not ready at this point to get better. I'm not ready to put forth the effort, I don't want to stop puking and I am not skinny enough to start eating right and deal with the weight gain that would ensue if I did that. It would basically be a waste of both of our time to sit in sessions if I'm not really going to try. This is a crying shame because I will be going off to college in the fall and I really should be trying to get this under control, I don't want my bulimia to be running rampant while staying in the dorms. It would suck to have to take a medical leave if I got sick while being away from home because no one was watching me and making sure I was safe from myself.

The one thing this therapist said that really upset me was that I am not alarmingly thin; she said I am not life-threatening at this point. This upset me for obvious reasons, but cut deeper because she was the first therapist I ever saw, the one I saw way back when my parents were getting divorced and I was dealing with that along with depression and SI. She was the one who referred me to an ed specialist and helped me get into an IP program, but I was anorexic at that point. I feel like since I'm bulimic now she doesn't think I'm in any immediate danger, because I'm at a normal weight, even though we established right off the bat that I am purging at least once a day and not keeping down a whole lot of fluids. It almost made me want to puke everything I ate or starve myself and go back and be like, "hey, I'm in life-threatening condition now, what are we gonna do about it?" but that's just stupid.

Speaking of puking, I really do need to get a grip. I have gotten too into the habit of puking my lunch. I think probably 4 out of 5 school days I puke my lunch and today I had a close call. I really pushed myself today to get every last morsel up because my weight was up today and I feel horrible about myself in general, and just as I was finishing up and tasting stomach acid, the light sensor went off in the restrooms and the lights went out, and I was scurrying trying to get the lights to go on, moving around and whatnot making sweeping motions and seeing spots in the dark, totally on the verge of passing out. I started thinking about what would happen if I did: I would lay on the floor for a while until someone came in and found me next to a toilet full of that day's lunch and my face smeared with vomit, my hand covered in it and think what a sad person I was. It would be completely humiliating. I'm supposed to be someone to look up to in the school; I'm a senior this year. I can't ever pass out while purging at school, it would be the end of everything as I know it.

I guess I've been more strict lately because I changed birth control recently. My periods were getting weird and I was getting them in the middle of the pack, so my gyno changed bc on me. Everytime I change bc I gain weight, so I didn't want that to happen this time. I have been going to extreme measures to ensure that this didn't happen, but even so I have still gained a pound (and today almost another pound) and maintained that, no matter what I do to make it go back down. I know that if I were to ease up I would gain a lot of weight and it makes me angry to think about. I was talking to my mom about this today and I said I wanted to go on the shot because I've never gained weight on that and it was easier in general because I didn't have to remember to take anything. She thinks I got really angry and irrationally bitchy on it but is willing to let me go back on it on a trial basis if it will get me to stop being so strict on my eating. I'm down with that, for sure.

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