I really want to find a guy, to be in a relationship. I would even be open to a girl but those options are limited at this point, I don't know a whole lot of cute bisexual ladies at the moment. Basically I just want someone to love me, to make me feel wanted and cared for in life.

I've come to realize that my self-esteem is pretty non-existant and my self-image/how I view myself is based off of how others percieve me. If someone tells me I am pretty or that I look good, I feel momentarily good about myself and like I can face the world with my head high; though at the same time it is embarressing to get compliments and I never fail to blush furiously and find it hard to resist the urge to protest their compliment and just graciously accept it. But if someone insults me I almost immediately accept it as truth and the awfulness of it drags me down into a sea of depression and despair and I cannot face the mirror because I have internalized their hatred for me and it has grown stronger.

I start therapy very soon, so this is an issue I will be attempting to work on. I also want to work on dealing with feelings, my eating disorder, and touch on my drug problem (although the latter will need to be censored a bit because if they feel at any time my problem is serious enough that they cannot handle it then I will need more intensive treatment and I'm trying to avoid that because I'm not that bad right now, I'm genuinely working on getting better so I think that should count for something).

I did get that job at Ponderosa -- I will be working the salad buffet for a measly 5.75 an hour. But the people I work with are very friendly and I will be getting good hours. I am closing or opening all the days I'm working next week, each like 5 hour shifts.

This weekend I am going to see Slightly Stoopid in Milwaukee, I'm pretty psyched about that. The only other concert I've ever gone to is Collective Soul, and they were really mellow, to say the least. Slightly Stoopid is the reincarnation of Sublime, and we all know how much Sublime rocked. Since I can't see Sublime due to the untimely death of Bradley, I will settle (though it doesn't take much settling, they do kick a lot of ass and it's gonna be a bomb concert) for seeing them. At least I'll be able to experience a more energy-charged concert; at Collective Soul I didn't move once in the crowd- you're supposed to get a little riled up and thrown about at a concert or it's just not up to maximum fun potential.

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