My old best friend from elementary/middle school transferred to my high school and I have been hanging out with her recently and been having lots of fun getting reaquainted (sp?) with her. She was a lot of fun and that has not changed in the last few years. We have been hanging out in her town, the one that I used to live in as well, and she has introduced me to her friends. Meeting new people always reminds me that I'm not as butt-ugly as I always perceive myself to be, because I always have a bunch of people getting crushes on me or telling me that I am cute or have a nice body. I have one guy that lives with Kasey's bf named Rob who has a huge crush on me. He's really goofy though so I don't really reciprocate the feeling at all. Their other friend Tim came over last night though and he was kinda flirty with me; he just broke up with his gf who he has a baby with though so I'm kinda cautious about him since that's a lot of baggage. Whichever route I want to go with guys I am letting them all know I'm wanting a relationship b/c I am totally done hooking up for a while. I'm tired of being treated like an object and being seen as a slut, because I'm not, it's just most of the time I get too drunk or something and make bad decisions. I'm so ready to be in a relationship right now its' not even funny. I'm not even gonna discriminate against girl or guy; I could care less right now, I just want to be loved and cared for by somebody.

Today I have my first psych appointment in what seems like forever. I want to go so that I can officially get back on Topamax to help stop my b/ping. I haven't been too bad about it as of late, I've actually been pretty good with eating little amounts and stopping when I'm full but I still feel like I need to b/p sometimes in the evenings and I need to stop that. I have a leftover bottle of Topamax so I have been self-prescribing and I will run out soon so that's the real reason I wanted to go to the psych. They won't let me just see the psych alone so I will have to get back into therapy. I will be going back to see the first therapist I ever saw, the one I first saw for the divorce and cutting. That will be interesting when I go to lay out my whole history with drugs and everything. I'm not really looking forward to the look of disappointment on her face, but I know I've gotta be honest for therapy to work with her, with anyone really.

Lets see, this weekend should be hella fun. We have a four-day weekend for our "spring break", yeah it's a pretty shafty spring break but whatever. On Friday I will be drinking during the day and then at night I will be rolling with Lena, the first time with two rolls. This will probably be the last time I roll for a long time, we are trying to quit a lot of drugs after this. Then on Saturday I am drinking over at Kasey's with Tim and everyone, that should be fun. Then Sunday should be pretty chill and Monday I think I just planned something but I can't remember what it was... pot ate my brain I do confess.

Been pushing pills the past few days. I went to get weed from my dealer and ended up buying some hash and 5 morphines from him as well. I sold 2 morphines and made my money back, then sold another one to make more money than I needed. Snorted one and half and was fucked out of my mind, gave away half a pill to Rob. I can't do it too often though b/c I know how addictive it is. It was so nice to make back my money so fast though. I know I just got lucky to find people that wanted them though, I could've struck out and nobody could have wanted them and then where would I be? I would have been out 20 bucks and fucked off my face b/c I would have done them all myself.

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