I recently had my annual pap smear and everything looked normal- I didn't have any std's, no lumps on my breasts, things generally looked alright down there, tested negative for yeast infections, etc. But my results came back abnormal. Yesterday I went in for a follow-up appointment at the Women's Health Clinic, totally scared since no one would really tell me what an abnormal pap meant. I mean, I'm std-free, right, what more could be wrong? Turns out there was something wrong with my cells, high grade something-or-other, and it was worrisome. They did two biopsies to find out more. I still didn't know what this all meant and why the fuck I needed to have the crap scraped out of my crotch. When it came to Q&A time, he started giving me a bunch of medical jargon that didn't mean shit to me until I heard the word cervical cancer leave his mouth. I asked if that's what I had and he backpedaled, explaining that what I had was really just the cells that cause it. So I asked if I had pre cancer, and he said that yes, technically what they were seeing was pre cancer of the cervix; but if they watch it very carefully and I get a pap every 6 months and another biopsy when I need it then they can keep it in check and it might go away, I can live to be 90 and have kids, blah blah blah cue him trying to reassure me but really being no help because I'm freaking the fuck out on the inside ie. looking calm and composed if a little stunned.

I go back out to the waiting room to fill out my stupid forms and I'm really fucking pissy with my mom, I'm snapping at every little thing she says. She can't even glance at me without me thinking she's trying to look at my answers to sexual history questions. I feel really bad in retrospect, but I'd just had a huge bomb dropped on me. We go out to the car and I tell her in lamen's terms what the doctor told me, basically that I have pre cancer of the cervix and she freaks out, like why didn't you pull me in there with you so he could tell me himself? You're not 18 yet, that's their job to make sure I'm in there anyway! I start to sob at this point because she's freaking out and I'm freaking out because I'm thinking I'm going to get cancer and never have kids. The doctor told me to make sure to study abroad, that seems pretty final to me. Like I need to see as much as I can while I can because I'm going to die sooner than I would if I didn't have this. She ends up calling up the health clinic to bitch them out for not letting her back there and they try to cover their asses by saying she could have come back at any time, then let her talk to the nurse who was there during my examination. The nurse is a lot more reassuring than my doctor but basically tells her the same thing.

So yeah, I'm still kinda freaking out about it. I don't know how to handle this and it feels like some big secret that I have now. Like should I tell all my friends? Guys, I have pre cancer in my cervix. Or is it really not a big deal? It feels like a big deal. People die from cancer. That's not how I want to go out. I always figured it would be by my own hand in some way, shape, or form. Cancer is so out of your control, very painful, too. I'd probably end up killing myself long before the cancer did. Blah, don't want to think about this.

On the drug end of things, I've been good. Still haven't done crack. Orchestrated a deal last night, and didn't do any. It was mostly because it was late at night and I was mega tired and crampy from the biopsies, so I won't lie and say I didn't want to partake, because at this stressful point in time, you'll bet I did. I was even willing to throw down money. But I didn't and I was proud of myself for that. I did, however, dream of crack-related stuff all night, just like I knew I would. I guess it will continue to be a struggle as long as I keep myself around the environment.

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