I haven't written in a while. Nothing majorly exciting has been going on, so I haven't felt the urge to put pen to paper or type out my innermost thoughts. No huge revelations up in my head at the moment anyway right now to type out, but it's been long enough that if I wait any longer to update it will be a bitch to catch up.

I haven't done crack since the last time I updated. I've gotten a few calls from the person I was with last time I did it, and I am just glad I had to go to work when he called and was unable to go out. I realize how bad it is, but when it's offered for free you start to think how great that first hit is and maybe it wouldn't be so bad. You start to think you could regulate the amount you do if you go over and you could take it slow, maybe make it an enjoyable experience. But then I know I'm fooling myself and I wouldn't be able to do it slow; he packs on huge hits, I'd get fucked way fast and be pissed off coming down later and probably even during the high. So not worth it. But the pull is still there during the asking, so its nice to have a genuine excuse to help me say no. I know I will not always have one, and that makes it hard. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am an addict, and it will always be hard to turn stuff like that down. It's going to be a lifelong struggle, and that really sucks.

In other news, I hooked up with a girl about a week ago. We were drinking and she made an offhanded comment about how she didn't know how you could have sex with a girl, then wanted to play truth or dare and started daring me to kiss her and stuff... she was so curious it was way obvious. We were only drinking Pucker and I was pretty drunk but with that stuff I don't black out so I remembered everything. It was pretty great and I did a good job at pleasing her. Only thing is, I think she got embarressed the next day, she claimed she didn't remember it but I could tell by the telltale smile that she did. Little liar, okay, if that's how you want to play I'll go along with you. Doesn't matter to me, I've still got the memory stored and that's what counts.

I want to go out with this guy I met at a party a while back. He was so nice to me, the only guy there who actually treated me like a person. All the other guys there treated me like I was nothing but a walking body asking to be fucked, but this guy wanted to hold my hand and jumped to give me a ride home, really took the time to get to know me. We've been in touch and he's really nice. Only problem is he lives an hour and a half away, which is quite the journey, especially with my car out of commission. I still don't know what's going to happen with that, because even when I do get my car up and running, I don't know if I really want to have a relationship where I'd have to drive an hour plus to go see him. It's a bit much.

I'm back to binging and purging. I think my restriction kick caused by seeing the seizure lasted like three days but I b/p'ed once and that was all it took to get me started again. I really am bulimic by nature. Well not really because I'm normal if I'm anything but as far as what I gravitate towards for ed's its definitely bulimia. Took me a long time to admit that too because of the whole ed hierarchy thing.

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