If I thought yesterday was bad, today was certainly not any better. The black cloud of depression was hovering over me the whole day, threatening to envelope me and take me over, creeping in on every good thought I might have had throughout every waking moment.

I started the day off with the intention of restricting. I still couldn't get that guy's eyes out of my head, those half dead eyes and the foam mixed with blood bubbling forth from his mouth. I'd had horribly horrifying dreams all night, I'm surpised I slept at all really. Any sleep I got was fitful at best. I ate very sensibly, and did not purge, though I did think about it. I knew the whole time I was doing it that I was doing it because of him, because of what had happened. I was doing it to deal. It was a logical process and I knew exactly what the fuck I was doing. It's the only thing I knew to do to deal. It was that or cut and I didn't see that as an option at the time.

Having missed a day of school to go do that crazy bullshit, I had a lot of work I missed. That meant a lot of added stress on top of everything I was already dealing with. I was overwhelmed to the max. I was still itching to just let it out to someone irl who would understand and give me a pat on the back or a hug or something, some kind of fucking support to let me know I was going to be okay. Because I honestly felt [and still feel] like I'm falling the apart at the seams. I ended up going to my school counselor and spilling my guts somewhat [not gory details, although I did mention the seizure and she guessed that it was crack that was involved and that I was trying to get off of, but I didn't say that's what it was] I don't think she will say anything to my parents, not that it would make a difference since my mom already knows I've struggled with it in the past. I think I want to get into therapy again anyway, and that would mean getting into drug counseling since when I left it was pretty much because I was too into drugs and they coudln't help me unless I started seeing a drug counselor and I refused, saying it wasn't a problem [which everyone involved knew was bullshit]. I'll look into that soon.

I go to work and there's this guy there that I've only worked with a handful of times. He decided right off the bat that he did not like me and he was giving me the cold shoulder the whole time and being just a general ass. I tried to be pleasant at first but then when he was still being a dick I was a bitch back because I just didn't feel like putting in the effort. From there it escalated because he got offended that I wasn't being "nice" to him, even totally overlooking the fact that he was such a dick to me and said a bunch of shit like why was I such a bitch, flipped me off with both fingers, he was glad it his last day because then I could be half a person (?) I mean really, that was way uncalled for because I wasn't even that bitchy for him to totally fly off the handle. I remained pretty calm, I could have flipped the fuck out on him for what he said to me but I was basically like alright, whatever I'm generally not nice to people who dislike me for no reason, I don't make an effort if they decide they hate me right off the bat. Anyway it was a tense night and we were busy, I made a bunch of mistakes on the register and ended up shorting someone 10 bucks. Of course this guy ended up catching my mistake and held it above my head. Needless to say I went home really fucking pissed off.

Didn't know where to go with this anger because I was really pissed off on top of depressed and mad at myself for the whole situation. And I'm stressed because I have a big paper due in the morning that I haven't started, plus another one that's late. I ended up cutting myself over the whole thing -- first time I've cut myself in a long ass time. I must say it felt good. I'd wanted to smoke pot really badly before to calm down but I feel better now. More at peace, but that paper is still stressing me.

And I feel fat. I was down like 3 pounds after all the not-eating but my weight is way up after just one day of semi-normalish (somewhat restricted) eating. I'm not sure where I'm going to go with it tomorrow. I kinda want to restrict but part of me wants to b/p or restrict and purge my lunch. All I know is I need to lose this flesh, I have a drive right now to lose the excess quickly. I need a focus, something to get my mind off all the other bullshit going on.

<< >>