There is a force that drives me at night to eat that I cannot explain. I do pretty well during the daytime, although I must admit more often than not I b/p a bigger lunch. But at night I change into this hideous creature that needs to inhale everything, this gluttonous beast who cannot get her fill. I don't know why I need to eat so much [and then spew it all back out] Things aren't that bad in my life - I've been doing all right. My grades are good for the first time in the longest time, I'm happy [enough] with my home life, and life isn't all that stressful. So why all the binging? I'm thinking it's gotta be a deadly combination of boredom and habit. I've been purging pretty much everyday for going on three weeks and it's hard for me to believe that I'm not going to balloon overnight if I don't puke what I'm taking in. The last two nights I semi-binged but didn't purge because my mom was either within excellent earshot or because it was hard food to purge and I was exhausted from purging so much already. Each day I woke up thinking I had gained like massive amounts of weight, but found that I had maintained. This is ludicrous for me to see. I just can't imagine how I could eat that much in a sitting and not gain, especially after depriving my body for a few weeks. You would think my body would want to hold onto as much as it possibly could. I don't know; it's a mystery I guess.

Next week I will be working a lot - I have one day off during the week and one day off on the weekend which is Sunday. I will be required to go out to eat with the family on that day, plus it's chores day so there goes my weekend. It really sucks because that weekend is my best friend's b-day and she wanted me to come up north with her and her friends for a rolling party but I would only possibly be able to make it for one day and that's if I got a ride. They may not even be able to find rolls so it might not happen. A small part of me would be elated if that were the case because then I would know I wasn't missing out on anything too terribly fun because they would just be drinking and smoking. Something I do on a fairly regular basis- or was for a while. I've been pretty clean lately. Just smoking pot here and there is all really. I'm pretty proud of myself; I haven't even been craving harder drugs that much. I've been finding myself wanting to try the hard ones I haven't tried like h and angel dust [which I did once but want to try again] but I know it would be hard to get a hold of them and I would need to involve someone else to make it safe in both cases and I don't necessarily want to do that. I like people thinking I'm getting my act together. For right now I am, and I probably will keep it together for a while. It's just I'm entertaining the idea is all. One is allowed to dream, right?

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