I can now eat most things comfortably, which is good and bad. It's good because I was sooo freaking sick of tomato soup and other liquids. It's bad because now I'm ending up eating too much but can't get rid of it because I won't risk purging and fucking up my mouth. So the end result is I'm getting fat- I was 125 today and I definitely feel it as well as see the fat jiggle and whatnot. *cringes* urg, I don't want to think about it.

I've also been drinking again a little bit. I drank twice since I got my wisdom teeth out. I smoked crack once, and have called the guy I smoked with every day since then but he's been out of money so that is good. I need to not do it anymore but I guess I'm at that point again where I don't care about the reprocussions, I just want it. I try to make myself want to be sober, but it just won't happen. I want what I want, and that's to be high in some form. I don't know why I feel the need to run away from myself, but for some reason I can't stand being me unless I've altered my reality in some way.

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