Some days I really am content to just sit at home and veg out. The idea of going out and doing anything (especially calling into work to see if they need me) seems daunting and way too tiresome to pursue. I'd much rather just sit at home and smoke (now that I've got weed... thanks mom!) and try not to eat and puke.

Yesterday I did alright for the first part of the day. I didn't eat for a while and then when I did it was something I felt okay with. That and some oatmeal way later on that night was the only thing I kept down. I puked pizza, ice cream, spaghetti w/ meat sauce, cheese popcorn countless times, and other miscellaneous things I can't think of right now. I would have been ashamed of myself for eating so much if I hadn't been such an efficient purger. Today my weight is down a pound and I'm feeling good about that. I have the motivation to keep going. I'm just kind of afraid to fall back into all this shit because I can feel the thoughts/behaviors taking hold again already. I woke up this morning and the first thing I wanted to do was hop on the scale after checking out my stomach and thinking that it looked flatter. Then my next thought was how long can I go before I have to eat today? I dunno, I want to lose weight but I really did not enjoy being all preoccupied (sp?) with food and weight. Goes with the territory, I guess.

I love sleeping, but sometimes I really dread it. Last night I started thinking about drugs and of course coke came to my mind. I found out like a week ago that I can get some for really cheap in town, like big city prices right where I live. I get paid tomorrow so the idea of getting some seems more real. I had almost convinced myself I would do it when I was almost asleep, but now in the light of day I don't feel so sure about it. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to call dude or not. Even if I call, it doesn't guarantee that I can get it because usually he needs some notice beforehand. I also wanted to pick up a bunch of rolls and distribute them through the town for jacked up prices since I can get them hella cheap. Then save like two or three for me so I can roll for real instead of a half-assed one like before. I just need to stop thinking like this. I'm starting to crave already.

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