I kept up the purging pattern today. I hoped to break it by taking some of my old anti-purging meds, Topomax. I waited until like an hour after I got up when I started feeling dizzy so I had a bowl of cornpops, focusing on drinking the milk. I was okay until I had oatmeal later that day, followed by chips and dip and hard sour dough pretzels, and then a bag of cinnamon crispas. I did a great job of purging, because my weight is down to almost a pound below my morning weight. That might be why I was so out of it and ready to pass out when I was shopping with my mom today. It was like I was in another world, floating along on the verge of dropping over, unable to warn anyone of the possible danger. A sick part of me enjoyed this wheel of fortune with my health and it was also kind of like a natural high in a way. But the rational part was scared of what I was (am) doing to my body. There was also a few parts of the day where I would randomly get a loud ringing in my ears that would get louder until it reached a crescendo. So weird.

So I ended up calling one of my contacts to get some cheap powder today. He never called me back though, which is great because I ended up changing my mind, but not for the right reasons. I don't think I want to anymore because I didn't really work this week so I won't have much money which means my mom will take most of my check for car shit. But at least that means I won't be doing it after all.

Shopping today was depressing. I'm not where I want to be and it sucks so bad that I'm only like 5-7 pounds from where I would be most comfortable. In reality it's really not that much. I've already lost like 2 pounds and it's only been 2 days. Granted, I haven't been doing it right, but I think once I start eating okay I should be alright because I've done this before once I started eating after being cracked out and my body maintained. I guess we'll see though. Back to the topic, I bought a pair of 7's that fit me awesome, and I got all depressed because I was following around this size 0-1 chick who was being all flippant and having a good time, not worrying about her size, while I'm standing here mourning the loss of being a 3. I'm not even a 5 anymore. I just bought 5's. They're starting to fit me better after the past few days but I need them to fit better. I almost bought 5's again for inspiration but I have this thing about being fat in too tight jeans, it's just gross. I'd rather wear a bigger jean and have it fit and loathe myself than bubble out and have the whole world be grossed out.

*Note* Sorry if this entry is not the best writing in the world, I just got done smoking up and decided it would be a splendid time to write an entry.

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