I'm trying once again to quit the big drugs. I've been clean from rock for 3 days now after today, and I plan to stop until after x-mas, when my bf and I are going down to Milwaukee for some fun festivities. He says if I can make it that long then I deserve it. I wanted to quit for good but I know that after that long without I would look forward to a trip like that. It'll be my incentive.

Things are kinda fucked at home- as always. I'm sure everytime I say that my readers are like, uh huh, when are they not fucked? But it's true. I hate living at home, it sucks so much ass. But I can't move out because 1) I don't have money and 2) if I move out they won't pay for my college. If I keep it up and don't get in applications then I won't go at all, but I do want to. So anyway, my parents almost sold my car because I had lied about some insurance thing- way too long and drawn out to write about here and plus I don't want to get into it again. But basically they felt I was too irresponsible and wanted to teach me a lesson by selling the car. I talked them out of it, but not before freaking out in a crying fit, sobbing in a pile on the floor. My razor comforted me, but it was dangerous to cut in that condition because I was too upset to feel any of the cuts I was making. This resulted in a bunch of superficial cuts, and then one really deep cut that was just gaping. I freaked out because it would not stop bleeding and the skin was just hanging open. So I bite the bullet and go out to my mom, holding out my arm and telling her I think I need stitches. I quickly change my mind when I realize they would send me to the psych ward if I did go, and then I bitch at her that I'm not going to go, don't get near me you can't see the cut you fucking bitch. That kinda melodramatic, can't deal with life shit.

That night I wanted to get out of the house so bad. My mom wouldn't let me take the car anywhere. But a guy from work that was hitting on me offered to come pick me up and take me with him to his break-dancing competition. I had to be home before it ended so we got some Jager instead and got drunk. Getting drunk led to bad things, and long story short, I cheated on my bf. First time I've ever done that and I swear I'm sweating guilt. Now this guy expects me to break up with my bf for him, and he wants to hang out all the time. I don't know how to tell him it was a mistake and I still want to be w/ my bf, without cheating again. I dunno, I always get in these situations.

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