Yesterday was a desperate day. The day before I had taken 50 dollars out of the 300 my mom had given me to pay car insurance and I got a bag of rock. I smoked with two friends, and then continued to smoke throughout the night until it was gone, as it usually goes (even when I'm trying to save a hit for the morning, it never usually happens). Got maybe 2 hours sleep if I'm lucky, and then the next day (yesterday) I was left wanting more. I still had money (granted, it was for car insurance, but I get paid this friday so I can take the money out of there and just be broke like usual) so I was thinking about getting another bag. The thought was planted in my head and continued to fester and grow until it seemed like there was no turning back. I called and ended up getting a bag after work.

Before going to work, I went in my backpack in my closet to get some new chore, and found that my alcohol bottles and the spoon I'd used for cooking that I had stashed in there were gone. I'd had four empty vodka bottles stashed in my closet and they were all gone. I was slightly freaked, but no one said anything to me when I left so I just proceeded on and hoped they wouldn't mention it. I was wrong though. About 20 minutes after I'd gotten off work (and was 5 minutes into smoking) my mom called and said she wanted me home. She sounded very angry. I was freaked because I was positive I would get my ass grounded again, so I pulled up to our area's deserted mall parking lot and proceeded to smoke my stash. It was so desperate- I couldn't wait till I got home because I knew I was going to get yelled at and couldn't risk smoking and getting caught now that they're probably going to watch me more, and I didn't really have anywhere else to go. So I smoked in a public area. Not the first time I've done it, but every time it just feels so risky and stupid. Probably because it is. I didn't even really enjoy it, just because I was so worried and the whole thing was just really rushed and worried.

I got home and my mom tells me they found my shit, and then she asks me if I am an alcoholic because of all the bottles they found. I laugh at her and tell her of course not, they just gathered from over the months. She asked if I sat in my room swigging from the bottle, making it sound like the most horrible thing I could do. I'm thinking, uh yeah, how else are you supposed to drink inconspicuously? I'm not a mixed drink kinda person, more of a shot girl myself. Then she brought up the spoon thing, and I told her I had tried it once, forgot it was in there, blah blah bullshit. She knew it was bullshit, but couldn't prove it. She said if she ever caught me smoking that in her house she would say fuck you and kick me out, because that's stupid and I'm "messing with the big boys". All in all, I just got yelled and not grounded or anything. It felt like I got away with murder.

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