I am getting so fat. I can't stand it, and somehow I can't do anything to change it, either. I've gotten into the habit of normalcy, of eating everyday and at every meal (unless I happen to miss dinner from being out doing things I shouldn't). Slowly but surely, I packed on the pounds. They came in the form of shapelier hips (where there used to be just the jutting of hipbones), fuller, rounder breasts (that used to be small and deflated... I feel like such a woman now), and thicker legs (which were just getting down to the size I liked). I can't stand this new, bigger body. I have to do something, but I also don't want to dive back into my eating disorder now that I have one foot out of the swamp.

I wish I could say it's been a struggle to even get this far, but in reality it has not. Over the summer I was smoking rock every day, which enabled me to pretty much stop eating, and lose weight. But now that I only smoke on occassion (weekends and sometimes during the week if money is there) I have nothing to control my appetite anymore. And so after I stopped regularly smoking, I had a voracious appetite, and I thought it was okay to eat because I was so skinny. I figured I had a little leeway since people were starting to worry about my weight. But now I'm past a size that is acceptable to me, and I'm too far to change my habits without a lot of struggle. I think I might be afraid to try restricting for fear of failing. I don't want to fail at everything; it would be a big slap in the face if I couldn't even drown in my eating disorder right anymore. *sigh* I realize that's a sick thought, but there it is, jumping off of the screen to slap me in the face and say look what you've become.

I see it, and I'm hating it. I'm supposed to be a skinny drug addict, not a fat one who doesn't do anything right. I can't even succeed in being fucked up.

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