Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if I hadn't moved. I used to be part of the popular, goody two shoes crowd in middle school. I never did anything wrong except flirt with too many boys. If I hadn't moved, I might have had a good life.

After I moved, I got depressed because of the drastic change. I missed all my old friends, was sad that they didn't care to keep in touch, and I was lonely in my new town. I didn't like anyone and nobody bothered to get to know me. There was already a link for depression running strongly through my family, and that seed of sadness that was planted during the move probably triggered it. Out of the depression came all the other shit-- the ed, the cutting, the self-hatred, and the drugs. The harder drugs came later, but I used to be so opposed of them. Since I got depressed, I wanted something to ease my pain, to make things better for a little while. Then I just liked the high, and wanted to feel different, unreal, not me for a while. And I still chase that to this day. Searching for a state of unreality that will make things alright. Though I know that I'm the only one who can make my life what I want it to be. It's just too much effort to change; easier to stay fucked up.

So I have a new boyfriend. He's young and kind of immature but I like him. He's cute. But I'm already planning on cheating on him with my ex's friend. I had called this guy (Nater) a while back when I was drunk, and said fuck what my ex thinks, lets hook up. He agreed that would be cool and we were going to hang out that weekend, but then I couldn't get out of the house for whatever reason. So between that time and yesterday, when he called me again to see when we could hook up, I got with my bf. I didn't want to just blow this guy off because I've liked him for a while and it would be fun to hang out with him (he usually gets a lot of shit on the weekends and has no problem sharing... free shit for me is always a good thing). So I dunno. I feel horrible for thinking about cheating on him because I've never technically done it before and I know he wouldn't cheat on me. But it seems like it's not worth it to stop myself. Like nobody has to know about it, they don't know each other. (Nater is like 30 so of course my younger bf wouldn't know him).

I dunno I guess I'm just a horrible person.

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