I have been pretty good lately. Smoked rock maybe two days since I last updated (I know it was at least once, but I think there might have been another time I'm forgetting about) and since then I haven't. Mostly due to the fact that I have no money, but at least I can comfort myself with the fact that it's been a while. I think I'm nearing the four day mark again. I've noticed though, the day after smoking I crave it so bad. I will have dreams about having a huge bag of rock and just smoking it all up. I sometimes wake to find myself holding my breath as though I were holding in a huge hit. I exhale slowly, hoping that maybe it wasn't just a dream, but of course it was and nothing happens. This is the scary part of addiction-- both my mind and my body crave it and it seems impossible to fight it. But I will try, I am trying. This paycheck will mostly go toward car insurance, save for 20 bucks to get a roll and maybe 10 bucks to play around with (food expenses and whatnot). *sigh* McDonald's doesn't pay the bills. I really need a new job.

I've been pursuing this younger guy (he's like 16) and I really like him despite the age thing. It bugs me how he will be flirty sometimes but when it comes down to it he seems like he just doesn't want to do anything. Like yesterday I made a comment when we were hanging out smoking (pot) that we could be doing a lot more than just sitting there and watching tv because no one was home. He said he'd forgotten how to make out. Bullshit! I was a little pissed after that, and he kept asking if I was mad, and I kept insisting I wasn't. Until finally when I was about to leave he said if I came over tomorrow (today) then maybe he would remember how to make out. I'm thinking to myself, "fuck that, I don't need someone so flaky. My self-esteem is low enough that I need someone to be outright and let me know if they're into me or not. I don't like guessing and wondering if they're feelin me or not".

I do have a girlfriend as well right now. Her name is Arie (Ariel). Such a pretty name for a pretty girl. We were friends with benefits for a while and then one day I referred to her as my girlfriend and *poof* we're now a "couple". As much as we can be when she's seeing other guys and I'm trying to get with other guys. I like her and she's a really good friend, and it's nice to be able to do stuff with her since she's hott. I'm pretty sure my mom knows I'm bisexual now, because Arie's dad walked in on Arie and I laying in bed under the covers and he called us lesbians, and was talking about it to my aunt and my mom (Arie's dad is my aunt's bf... I know it's a little close to family but they're not married so I guess it's okay). But my aunt asked Arie about us and she told her we were kinda together, so I'm sure my mom found out. Not the way I wanted her to find out, but at least there's not so much hiding involved.

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