A cop showed up at my house today saying he'd gotten complaints about my driving. Said I needed to slow down or else he would issue me a citation. My bitch ass of a stepdad witnessed the whole horrible ordeal. When the cop left he proceeded to take my keys, saying that he didn't want me on the streets. I insisted I would slow down when driving but it didn't matter to him. My mom came home and I was in bed, trying to forget. I told her to get out because I was in a horrible mood and didn't want to talk to anyone, let alone her, because I knew I would freak out and say something I didn't mean. Sure enough, I ended up yelling at her and being sarcastic, telling her I would shoot Dale (stepdad) in the face if I had a gun. I'm grounded from the car for 2 weeks, which is bullshit because I'm technically still off limits from the car until the end of this month, and that would be getting it back early for good behavior.

My first reaction to all of this is how badly I wanted to get fucked up. My drug of choice would be some crack, but I have no money and no way to get any and I'm supposed to have stopped that (four days clean, but I usually make it this far before slipping). Then I started drinking; finished a quarter of a bottle of vodka within 5 minutes. Dinner came and I stuffed myself with 2 helpings, then finished it off a little later with ice cream, cookies, and a package of ramen noodles. The purge was intensely satisfying, and I got most of it up. I also cut myself tonight, something I've been getting into the habit of doing again. It felt good but then I stopped because I realized I didn't need any new scars-- I can hurt myself in much better ways that won't be as obvious.

I thought about downing a bunch of pills tonight and just forgetting. If it ended in my death- who freakin cares, I'm worthless anyway. One thing after another, I'm just a wreck waiting to unleash. Nobody should be surpised when I self destruct. Look at my life: it's a huge pile of shit.

I have to move out for my own good but McDonald's doesn't pay the bills. Plus I have a feeling that I wouldn't be able to take my car with me. Doesn't matter that I paid for 800 dollars worth of it- they paid the majority so it's as if I have no ownership at all. Fuck them in the ass then.

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