Things are so hard to deal with. It was getting increasingly hard to deal with being around my bf, because I was acting weird (not affectionate) since I didn't like him anymore and he could tell something was up. How do you tell someone that loves you that you just don't feel for them anymore? I didn't feel I could do that, so I made up excuses like I was tired, or antisocial or something.

It all came to a horrifying head on Saturday. I had gone over to see my big black ex boyfriend earlier because he called and whatnot. I ended up getting some pretty cheap rock, a good bag this time instead of it being short like with my other dealer. He expressed a desire to go out again, to dinner and a movie, blah blah blah. I knew I shouldn't buy into it, because nothing that he ever suggests we do actually happens. But I haven't completely gotten over him-- I was just pissed that he was fucking around on me. So anyway, hanging out with my bf that night was hard because I just couldn't hide that I didn't feel for him, and he was confused by it, and the whole time I was thinking about when I could go back over to see my ex. My bf was totally drunk, and I hate him when he's that drunk because he just acts stupid. They all went to a bonfire, and I backed out to go with my friend Lena when her bf called. But he never called and she wanted to go to the bonfire, so I took her out there and said I was tired and was going home to sleep. Really I went over by my ex and got some free rock. Yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend, and he drank a half bottle of vodka afterwards and passed out. That's the kinda shit I don't want to deal with. It reminds me too much of something I would do.

So with all of this, I've been cutting again. Last night I added 6 more slashes to my inner forearm. I was really high on sleeping pills/alcohol and didn't really feel it. That's the way I've been cutting lately, when I'm disconnected from reality and then I can go deeper. I have this obsession with making sure they don't look superficial and like scratches- I want them to look deep and painful. Easier to do that when you can't feel it as much. Kinda not the point of cutting in the first place, because I want the pain, but I like the scars afterwards too and want to feel proud of them. Or something. Yeah I know that doesn't really make sense but it doesn't really have to.

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