I think I lost my mind on Wednesday. Three and a half hits of acid will do that to a person though. Little Jessica, she's such a trooper, she can handle so many drugs. The other night I did 2 rolls and then a pure dex (500 mg, I was tripping balls) when the roll wore off. Everyone was amazed that I wasn't falling over dead after that. By all rights, I probably should have. But somehow, I never do. It's pretty sad actually, my life has become a blur of drugs. My friends and I remember things by what we were on that day. *sigh* What a lovely life to live, huh?

My weight has plummeted again. For a while I had gained up to 118ish and I was horrified of myself, couldn't even stand to look in the mirror. But a few days of running around and being strung out, too fucked up to eat made the pounds melt off rather quickly. Now I'm pretty steady at 115ish. All I hear now is how sickly skinny I am. The day after acid I could finally see it, I was disgusted with myself. I felt like a walking skeleton. But then I pulled at my stomach and my legs and was again transformed into the fat blob that I'm used to seeing. At any rate, my mom is really worried. She's feeding me like there's no tomorrow, taking me on trips to Dairy Queen and coaxing me into having fattening meals with them. She says if I don't start eating again and gain a little weight I'll end up in the hospital. I really don't want that, but it's scary to think of gaining. I got up to 116 the other day and freaked out, subconsiously restricting to a bowl of cereal and a few crackers before drinking vodka that night. But it's also fucked up because I don't want to let myself get too low, either. A lot of my pants are too big for me now and it's really frustrating. I need to go shopping again.

I had a med switch again recently. I saw my psych and he was really worried about my cutting, b/ping and drug use, etc. He said he thought my impulsivity had gotten worse on Prozac, so he switched me to Welbutrin. It's too early to tell if it's doing anything, but I'll take any pills they throw at me. You can never have too many pills, right? I have to see the doctor next month for a checkup to ensure my electrolytes are alright and whatnot. I'm afraid they're going to covertly piss test me to find out what drugs I've been doing. I know they did that to me in the hospital, but can they do that at the doctor's? Don't they have to inform you or something?

I have a new boyfriend. His name is Nick (Lars). He's a very nice guy, and I enjoy spending time with him. Although, I think I need to stop spending so much time with him because I don't want him to get sick of me. That's what happened in his other relationships (they saw too much of each other and started to hate one another) and now he's wary of relationships in general. So I really want to show him that they can work if you're willing to make them work. It's all about how much effort you put into it. You get what you put in.

So anyway, that's my life as of recently. Pretty crazy, but then again, so am I. Might as well have my life match me, huh?

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