My life is shit. I have been drinking (and I never drink). Now I know why I don't drink. I can't handle getting comfortably buzzed. I have to keep on drinking until I am drunk beyond belief, to the point where I won't remember anything in the morning. I did this four nights in a row because I ran out of weed and money for weed. Then I went over to Ashley's house on Friday night and we bought a bottle of Blue UV vodka. I was instructed by Tanya to not get too drunk, before she headed out to hang out with Tony, reassuring me that she would be back in time for us to be home. I was already tipsy when she left, a sure indicator that I was going to be trashed when she got back. Sure enough, I was. Nobody monitored how much I was drinking, and Ashley and I ended up finishing the bottle (so I'm told). I remember telling Ashley I wanted to make out with her, and going into a room to do so, but then looking around and realizing it was full of guys and then saying we probably shouldn't. But I guess we ended up making out anyway... multiple times. Apparently (I was told later) I attacked her by the stove and we fell to the ground we were so into it. Needless to say, Tanya was pissed when she got back. She had to drive home, and I had to drive from her house to mine (only a block or so, but I was trashed so I don't even know how I made it. Hell, I thought I had left Tanya at Ashley's in the morning when I woke up!) My mom knew I was trashed, she was real pissed, and I ended up grounded for a week and got my car taken away for a month since I drove drunk.

Things are real shitty with school, too. I just want it to be over already. We have something like seventeen school days, but even that is too many. I am way behind. I have a D in Chemistry and I'm failing Algebra II still (although now I do know what's going on somewhat) and I am behind in two assignments in both my English classes, one of them being a pretty major assignment. I got a big lecture from Dale and I was only allowed to go out 2 nights out of the weeknights, although that obviously ended after Friday when I fucked up.

My arms are all cut up again. I got really desperate for a release after the fight with Dale over my grades, and I needed to get out my feelings somehow. I just felt like he didn't understand, didn't know what I was going through at all and he couldn't relate. He doesn't know what it's like to be me. He thinks it's so easy to just do your homework and pass tests. It's not. So I got all worked up and then I had nowhere to go with all that emotion but to take it out on myself. Then when I was ready to use it against myself, I didn't have any tools to use. I tried to use a safety pin, but it wasn't satisfying enough, so I got crafty and broke the glass to one of my picture frames. It was good enough. Not the best, but enough to draw blood. But the red lines were addicting; I wanted more of them. Once again, there didn't have to be a reason to cut. I went out and bought razor blades, knowing I would need them. Then I went at my arm again, dazed and delirious from the high of opium, thinking about all the things people had told me I'd done when I was drunk. Thinking about what a pathetic druggie I turned out to be. Thinking of what a bad student I am, what a bad daughter I am. What a bad person I am.

For this same reason (I think) whenever I'm hungry, I want to stuff myself until I'm full to the brim and then spill it all back out again, leaving me empty and pure once again. Sometimes I give into this urge and sometimes I will eat healthy/normally. It depends on the circumstances. I have been b/ping more frequently though. And I've been enjoying purging again. Things are going downhill very fast. And I don't know how to stop it for the life of me.

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