I’m avoiding reality. I was in denial for a long time that how I was living is self-destructive. But I’m far enough gone now that I can see how much I’ve changed… for the worse.

Getting high everyday. Doing hard drugs I said I’d never do on a regular basis. Turning my back on recovery and diving back into my eating disorder for the sake of focusing on the sharp angles once again. Letting my once-perfect grades drop to an all-time low. I actually got a D- in Algebra II as a final grade this quarter. That is so horrible that I can’t even begin to describe how badly I feel about it. I’m so ashamed of where I’m at right now, and yet… I don’t want or know how to pull myself back.

My birthday is coming up. On Tuesday, April 12 I will be 17. One more year before adult hood. I can’t believe it. Shouldn’t I be dealing with life like an adult instead of running away from it? What is so damn scary about facing life head on without any crutches (no drugs, starving, weight obsessions, etc.)? I’m really afraid that if I can’t pull myself together I’m going to end up this mediocre person with a job that I hate that doesn’t pay enough.

I’ve been thinking lately maybe I’m not cut out to be a therapist. It’s what I’ve always wanted but maybe it’s not right for me. I don’t think I’m much of a people person. I never know what to say to someone when they come to me with a problem and I always sound unsympathetic. I can’t start conversations. I’ll probably end up a secretary like my mother.

In other news, I purged my birthday dinner. We went out to a nice restaurant and I got a chicken ranch sandwich with parmesan cheese on sour dough bread that was to die for. I felt fine (although a little full) after eating, and then my mom asked if I wanted to get dessert. I got a piece of turtle cheesecake to go. I ate it later and purged because I felt too full, and some of my dinner came up as well. I felt guilty purging my birthday dinner because I knew it would have upset my mom. But that sandwich was really fatty and to add cheesecake and keep it down would be crazy. I just couldn’t handle that thought.

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