Those food sheets that my therapist wants me to fill out are soo triggering. I always feel like such a pig for what I'm eating, and then that makes me feel like I have to purge. I was doing so good with not purging, I could go weeks or months without no problem, but now all of a sudden I've purged every day since my appointment. I seriously think it's gotta be because of the stupid sheets. I have to evaluate my feelings after eating and if I sit and think about it, I always feel fat. But if I just let it go, and I don't dwell on it, I'll be fine and I can just move on and not feel the need to purge. So I think I'm just going to say fuck it on the sheets in an attempt to not purge anymore.

I told my therapist I would slow down on the drugs... but that didn't happen. I ended up getting a lot of shit last night, and I didn't even have to leave home to get it (I was grounded still from the whole Milwaukee thing) Tanya did all the running with Teddy, and she ended up getting me a bag of weed, a roll, and an eighth of shrooms. I've never done shrooms before so I'm pretty excited about that. Not too thrilled about the prospect of actually eating them because they look really gross, but they should be fun. Then tonight I got a little bit of coke. I mentioned to my friend at work that I might call her about some, but she was all like, "I can call him right now and have him bring it" so I felt really pressured and also it was a lot easier that way than running around later on trying to get it. I only got a little bit, like 20 dollars worth (4ish lines) which I'm happy with, because any more than that and I know I tend to go crazy. I only really got some to help pick me up from the comedown from E. I hate having to go to work after rolling, and I don't really have anything to get me going. That's why I wanted to get a little bit.

I'm feeling really bland and flat lately. And when I'm not flat I'm moody. It's really shitty and I'm not happy about it. I don't know if it's depression or if it's from the drugs or what but I want it to stop and pretty quick. My mom has noticed it a lot and I think it's probably because my therapist called and warned her that I might be getting depressed again. Now she's on my case all the time, asking if I feel alright, that I sound really moody or down. It's more annoying than anything and usually just upsets me more.

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